To love and be loved

3 Then the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered My servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, one who fears God and shuns evil? And still he holds fast to his integrity, although you incited Me against him, to destroy him without cause.”

4 So Satan answered the Lord and said, “Skin for skin! Yes, all that a man has he will give for his life. 5 But stretch out Your hand now, and touch his bone and his flesh, and he will surely curse You to Your face!”

6 And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, he is in your hand, but spare his life.”

Job 2:3-6 (NKJV)

Feels fitting that Ash Wednesday and Valentine’s Day cross streams this year. In my last update I mentioned how chronic illness has made me think about mortality more than I’d like to. I try to mask it in gallows humor but it is sobering when jokes about your demise are left unfunny on the ears of those who love you. I don’t think about death from a fearful place. If anything I feel charged to enjoy each day and be fully present. Love and loss are inextricable. I refuse to love as if I am incapable of loss; my human limitation would pervert that love into a sort of entitled emotion that takes loved ones for granted. Instead I would rather fuel my love with an understanding of impermanence. I’m not going to look at the clock the whole time but my loved ones ought to be cherished. Prayerfully I am doing that.

I definitely feel loved in return. It’s not something I take for granted. The phone calls, visits, donations and acts of kindness my family and I have received from you all is beautifully embarrassing. Thank you for seeing me.

I have three appointments this week. The appointments with my primary doc and nephrologist went really well. My creatinine level, formerly as high as 6.6, is now .98. It feels good to see your doctors tell you that your health is heading in the right direction.

After my primary doctor appointment, I got a call from my cardiologist. The last echocardiogram I did still shows something on my valve. As a result, I am scheduled to get a transesophageal echocardiogram in the upcoming weeks. Pray for me as I pray for you.

Chris